Thursday, April 18, 2019

As they say, on any given Sunday, any team in the NFL can win and this week is no different. Anyone who tuned in during the 2010 season can attest to that! And, for Super Bowl XLV, it’s even more of guessing game than usual.

After polling around town and through friends on the internet seems like a lot of fans think the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to win this one. Again. But out of 44 ESPN Sports People, 31 picked the Packers. According to the sports peeps I know, the point spread and betting in Vegas has been changing all week long.

It’s even puzzled the sportcasters:

Both teams wear yellow pants so it’s tough to pick a Super Bowl winner -Rick Reilly, ESPN. (Although it totally sounds like something I would say!)

So how do you know who to pick? How can you be sure who will win Super Bowl XLV?

After hours of  in-depth research and important statistical analysis, we’ve come up with precise methodology involving a head to head matchup that will ultimately determine who will win Super Bowl XLV!***

(***Disclaimer in case someone actually thinks it’s a good idea to follow my advice –although I did go 132-108 on the regular season not inc. week 1—when it comes to picking a team. Don’t. This is just for fun. If you do and you lose, so not my fault. If you do and you win, you owe me half.)

Important Statistical Analysis #1:WHICH QUARTERBACK DO YOU WANT IN THE SACK?

PACKERS AARON RODGERS VS. STEELERS BEN ROETHLISBERGER

They’re big. They’re scruffy. They are leading men. But let’s face it, neither is about to land on the 20 Hottest NFL Quarterbacks List. (although Aaron did have a write in vote!). No doubt, the Super Bowl would have been much more visually appealing if the Jets and the Rams made it to the Super Bowl but…..we are forced to pick between Aaron and Big Ben as Quarterback We Want In The Sack.

Sexy Big Ben RoethlisbergerSexy Aaron Rodgers

While Big Ben has his moments of hotness, most of the time we get this Ben:

Which leaves us asking: Is Ben Roethlisberger a Hottie….or a Nottie?

Unfortunately, same goes for Aaron Rodgers. He can make scruffy look damn fine.

Aaron Rodgers would make a great McScruffy!

Or he can look……

Deranged Serial Killer Redneck Aaron Rodgers

But, Big Ben’s off-the-field behavior will come back him once again. As he has been accused of rape three time, clearly he is not wanted in the sack. (was that tasteless? I apologize.)

Touchdown. Plus a field goal for those three dropped charges.: Packers



——————————————————

Important Statistical Analysis #2: THE HAIRY SITUATION

PACKERS CLAY MATTHEWS VS STEELERS TROY POLAMALU

Crazy as it sounds, a lot of hype this Super Bowl is about the Mane Event: Do you like Lush and curly or golden blonde locks?

ESPN even asked: Who puts more effort into his hair care — Troy Polamalu or Clay Matthews?

“Clay. Every time you see him, he’s got a water bottle and he’s spraying water on it to keep his hair moist,” Green Bay linebacker Erik Walden said. “It seems like every time he makes a big play and comes back to the sidelines, I see him with a water bottle and he’s squirting it on his hair, I guess to keep it shiny for the ladies. I swear it’s just for the look.”

“Troy, because it’s curly,” said Pittsburgh practice squad receiver Tyler Grisham. “You have to condition it daily. You have to brush it out and keep it from getting tangled. I mean, it has to be Troy. We don’t like to watch his hair care. That’s something that’s private. He can’t share his secrets with the world because then everybody would be on TV and making a lot of money off it. He has his own box and no one really knows what he uses. He brushes his hair. We know he washes it and conditions it but we really don’t know with what.”

Clay Matthews sweaty...er...flowing blonde locks

Troy Polamalu's Million Dollar Curls

The Hair:

  • Polamalu: Hair is insured for $1 Million. Yes, I’m serious.
  • Matthews: Insuring his for $5 million
  • Polamalu: cover boy for Head and Shoulders (seriously?  No wonder it’s poofy. You gotta go with a Curl Care formula for that kind of poof).
  • Matthews:  cover boy for Suave for Men.

While Polamalu’s Poof could definitely benefit from some gel (or my personal fave: Garnier Surf Hair), he definitely outshines Matthew’s often sweaty* mane. Sorry Clay, hair bands went out int he 80s for a reason but poofy ‘fros are always in style! (*Correction. It is not sweat. As it stated above, this is the look Clay is going for and he continually dumps water all over his hair and shakes it during the game on purpose. This will result in a penalty and loss of down for the Packers)

ew

Touchdown: Steelers

————————————————–

—————————————-

Important Statistical Analyis #3: THE COACHES CHALLENGE: MIKE & MIKE

PACKERS MIKE MCCARTHY VS. STEELERS MIKE TOMLIN

Green Bay Packers Head Coach Mike McCarthy

Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin....

Oh oops. That’s not Mike Tomlin! That’s his Hollywood actor doppleganger Omar Epps! Here’s Mike:

Now, if you really want I could gush over Mike McCarthy’s stats to try to up his points in this one but let’s face it, this is as close as the 100-3 high school basketball blowout. Kinda hard to compete with the youngest Super Bowl Winning Head Coach to begin with. Then add the fact that he looks shockingly like one of the sexiest men in Hollywood and McCarthy winds up looking like a middle-aged white guy……

Touchdown: Steelers


Important Statistical Analyis #4: DO THESE YELLOW PANTS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?

Who wears the yellow pants in this Super Bowl better: The Pittsburgh Steelers or the Green Bay Packers?

To get full analysis we must do both home and away jerseys of course!

While the Steelers win a point for the way the black makes the yellow looks quite snazzy (unlike the Packers which makes you automatically think of the 70s), unfortunately their pants just aren’t as butt flattering. As one fan pointed out “Gotta go with the Packers here. They’re pants just hug better. The Steelers just seem to be laying there, almost sagging. You gotta hug!”

Field Goal: Packers

———————————–HALFTIME———————————————–

Important Statistical Analyis #5:The Souvenir Supremacy

GREEN BAY PACKERS FOAM CHEESE HEAD VS. PITTSBURGH STEELERS TERRIBLE TOWEL

Hard to find a true Packers fan without a Foam Cheesehead or Steelers fan without a Terrible Towel! Digging into Football Symbolism, “They are the only two NFL teams that can claim such a kinship with inanimate objects.”

While the Terrible Towel definitely makes you a tool in the non-Pittsburgh Loving world, the Foam Cheesehead makes you look

  1. A tool to everyone
  2. A fool to everyone
  3. Stupid.

Yes, you are very Go Team! and very Go Wisconsin! but hi, you are wearing cheese. On your head.

Extra Point: Steelers

—————-END OF REGULATION:  Steelers 15 Packers 15———————-

OVERTIME:

Important Statistical Analyis #6: Fantastical Fanatics

C.W.A. (Cheeseheads with Attitude) VS. Steeler Ladies

When if comes to football, there are fans and then there are FANATICS. They are the die hard, do anything I LOVE MY TEAM SO MUCH AND YOUR TEAM SUCKS SO MUCH kind of fans. And they do some pretty out there things. Like make up songs and dances to cheer their team on. And then video them and upload them to YouTube for everyone to watch in horror.

Sometimes, they are so bad that it makes you so embarrassed, you want to root for the other team…..kinda like when your team is tackled in their own end zone…..

This year we are fortunate enough to have the return of The Steeler Ladies! Taking them on in the Sudden Death Overtime, straight out of Wisconsin: C.W.A. Cheeseheads With Attitude.

The Steeler Ladies “Gonna Win it and Gonna Put a Ring On It”  Dance: version of the Steel City Slide

C.W.A. Cheeseheads With Attitude: “I’m a Cheesehead Baby”

C.W.A. “P-A-C-K”

This is coming down to the final seconds. There truly are no words to describe C.W.A.’s videos—just a whole lot of laughter. And thinking about being a Steelers fan. The videos are hysterical but my favorite thing is that “Cheesehead Baby” is set to Beck’s “I’m a Loser Baby” which i find highly ironic.

However….. The Steeler Ladies just can’t compete with all that!

Safety: Packers

_____________________________

Game Summary

First Half:

  • Quarterback: Packers 9 Points
  • Hair Situation: Steelers 6 Points
  • Coaches Challenge: Steelers: 6 Points

HALFTIME SCORE: Steelers 12 Packers 9

Second Half:

  • Yellow Pants: Packers 6 Points
  • Cheesehead vs. Towel: Steelers 3 Points

END OF REGULATION: Steelers 15 Packers 15

Overtime: Packers  2 points

FINAL: Packers 17 Steelers 15

Which makes the Green Bay Packers the Super Bowl XLV Champs!!*

Hope you enjoyed!

(*PS–If this is the score of the game I will be really ticked that I didn’t put money down!)

About the author: Jennifer Taglione is the owner of this fabulous website Stiletto Sports. Despite writing well over 500 posts, she still maintains that she is not a sports writer! She is however a huge fan of Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Mark Sanchez, the Celtics, and totally kicks butt on March Madness brackets! Connect with her by following her on Twitter @StilettoSportsJ and subscribing to her weekly newsletter. For more info check out the About the Editor page!

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