The Stiletto Sports Girl’s Guide to Football –Big Game Edition is available for immediate download!

Now you can learn everything you need to know about football before the Big Game….and for your Super Bowl XLVI party! The Big Game Edition breaks down football in a fast, easy to read way so you can learn the game quickly.

“A must read for everyone trying to tackle learning football! This book is going to be your secret weapon for football parties!” -Carrie, 29.

If you dread Sundays in the fall and think the Super Bowl is all about the party and the food than this is the guide for you.

The Girls Guide to Football covers everything from blitzes to false starts; plays of the drive to play action fakes; end zones to zone defenses. But we do it the pink, sparkly FUN way.

You’ll finally be able to answer “what the heck is a down and why are there four of them?”

You’ll learn what makes the special teams so special and what a Tight End really does (besides have a cute tushy).

You’ll even discover why teams sometimes decline penalties.

And…Did you know that football has a Bend and Snap like Legally Blonde?

The Girl’s Guide to Football Big Game Edition has everything you need to get you ready for Super Bowl Sunday. If you’ve already learned a lot from Stiletto Sports’ Football Guides for Women than you are going to love the expanded coverage that the Girl’s Guide to Football has to offer.

This Football 101 For Women Guide goes in depth into:

• Football’s Key Terms & Football Basics
• Football’s Objectives & Goals of the Offense and Defense
• Football Players & Positions: Breaking down the Offense, Tackling the Defense and What makes those special teams so special
• Football Rules and Penalties: Flags and Whistles, Challenges and penalties
• The Structure of the NFL and the Super Bowl
• And of course….Football Fashion!

And the best part? You don’t even have to leave your house…. or step away from your computer! The Complete Girl’s Guide to Football is available in E-Book format to download right onto your computer, iPad and even your iPhone , Droid or Smartphone! You can get your football knowledge on the go —or look up key football terms and rules while you are at your Big Game Party!

For Super Bowl XLVI weekend only we are offering a special STILETTO SPORTS FANATIC price! Normally the E-Book is available for $11.99 but for a limited time you can download it for only $8.99!

Available for Download immediately in PDF for Adobe Digital Editions Format

The Stiletto Sports Girl’s Guide to Football –Big Game Edition is available for immediate download!

Now you can learn everything you need to know about football before the Big Game….and for your Super Bowl XLV party! The Big Game Edition breaks down football in a fast, easy to read way so you can learn the game quickly.

“A must read for everyone trying to tackle learning football! This book is going to be your secret weapon for football parties!” -Carrie, 29.

If you dread Sundays in the fall and think the Super Bowl is all about the party and the food than this is the guide for you.

The Girls Guide to Football covers everything from blitzes to false starts; plays of the drive to play action fakes; end zones to zone defenses. But we do it the pink, sparkly FUN way.

You’ll finally be able to answer “what the heck is a down and why are there four of them?”

You’ll learn what makes the special teams so special and what a Tight End really does (besides have a cute tushy).

You’ll even discover why teams sometimes decline penalties.

And…Did you know that football has a Bend and Snap like Legally Blonde?

The Girl’s Guide to Football Big Game Edition has everything you need to get you ready for Super Bowl Sunday. If you’ve already learned a lot from Stiletto Sports’ Football Guides for Women than you are going to love the expanded coverage that the Girl’s Guide to Football has to offer.

This Football 101 For Women Guide goes in depth into:

• Football’s Key Terms & Football Basics
• Football’s Objectives & Goals of the Offense and Defense
• Football Players & Positions: Breaking down the Offense, Tackling the Defense and What makes those special teams so special
• Football Rules and Penalties: Flags and Whistles, Challenges and penalties
• The Structure of the NFL and the Super Bowl
• And of course….Football Fashion!

And the best part? You don’t even have to leave your house…. or step away from your computer! The Complete Girl’s Guide to Football is available in E-Book format to download right onto your computer, iPad and even your iPhone , Droid or Smartphone! You can get your football knowledge on the go —or look up key football terms and rules while you are at your Big Game Party!

Available for Download immediately in PDF for Adobe Digital Editions Format

Okay, maybe that’s a bit exaggerated. But it’s definitely a highly questionable call that will be talked about for months and months. Especially if the Lions go on to have another crappy season with only a win a two.

Because the thing is, in my mind, and in a lot of minds (and not just Detroit fans), the Lions won that opening game. Which would put them in first place for the first time since 2007. Granted they would be tied for first with like 16 other teams but whatever. And they would have won the game in the final seconds of a game with a backup, relatively unknown QB at the helm–who managed to move the ball all the way down the field and get the ball in the endzone in less than a minute.

But in the official books and records, they did not win the game.

Even though the receiver Calvin Johnson did catch the ball in the endzone, with two hands, with full possession of the ball, and with the ball not slipping out when his entire body hit the grass.

But as he got up, CJ left the ball on the ground.

See the video of Calvin Johnson’s non-touchdown for yourself and you decide!

So it wasn’t a touchdown. It was ruled incomplete because he didn’t complete the full “process of the pass,” according to the announcers on NFL Red Zone anyway.

So what exactly is this mystical “process of the pass” that so few of us have ever heard of that just magically appeared at the end of this game? Or as Chris Chase said on Yahoo Sports, “When is a catch not a catch? When it happens in the NFL, apparently.”

Even Senior Correspondent Erik Sweetland, who is one of the biggest football fanatics I know, had only ever heard this call (or rule or whatever the NFL is coining this term) once. When the same situation happened to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last year again the Miami Dolphins on November 13, 2009. And the Bucs lost that game as well.

I was told you can find this football rule in: Rule 8, Section 1, Article 3.

Well:

Rule 8, Section 1, Article 3, Item 1 of the NFL Rule Book (page 51) states that “if a player goes to the ground in the act of catching a pass (with or without contact with an opponent), he must maintain control of the ball after he touches the ground, whether in the field of play or the end zone. If he loses control of the ball, and the ball touches the ground before he regains control, the pass is incomplete. If he regains control prior to the ball touching the ground, the pass is complete.” Blogs NFl.Com

That doesn’t say, “said player must get up with the ball to maintain the process of the pass.”

A forward pass is complete when a receiver clearly possesses the pass and touches the ground with both feet inbounds while in possession of the ball. If a receiver would have landed inbounds with both feet but is carried or pushed out of bounds while maintaining possession of the ball, pass is complete at the out-of-bounds spot. -Rules Digest NFL.Com

Neither does that.

I Googled (and even Binged) this rule for over 30 minutes with every search term I could think of: “process of the pass, pass completion rules, NFL rules, Possession of the ball, touchdown completion rules, what makes a pass complete….etc.”

And nothing. Never saw any rules about a player having to stand up with the ball to make the pass complete in a touchdown situation. We know it must exist since it was called once before in that Tampa Bay game and it’s not like the league overturned the call after the game. But maybe they need to do a 2010 Edition of the Most Boring and Ridiculous Book of Crap NFL Rulebook that clearly outlines what they would like to see the players do in the end zone.

Because right now it kinda seems like the NFL would have rather Calvin Johnson, get up with the ball in hand and do an dance in the end zone, spiking the ball into the fans and get called for excessive celebration than just calming get up and leave the ball on the ground…..

How I love stupid NFL rules. Apparently Chris Chase does too. I leave you with the quote of the week:
“The runner did not complete the catch in the process of the catch?” Leave it to the NFL to make the simple concept of catching a ball as convoluted as Senate procedure for filibustering.

Why do there have to be so many conditions to a catch? Toddlers know when a ball is caught and when it isn’t. Aside from getting two feet in, what more does the NFL want people to do? Should Calvin Johnson have brought the ball with him to the sideline? Should he hold it for the flight home? Take it to dinner? When does the process of a catch end?”  Read more from Chris Chase at Sports.Yahoo.com

Check out the Stiletto Sports Guide to football rules and penalties for more stupid football technicalities! Or follow me on twitter, I talk about dumb football rules all the time!

I cut and pasted it into Microsoft Word for a little light researching one day. It was over 24 pages long. Single spaced. I lost interest after the table of contents. So instead, I will just give you a few of the most common.

For even more rules, head to NFL Rules at Football.com

One quick thing before I dig into this. Sometimes after a foul you hear the refs say “The Penalty is declined.” I never could understand that!  If the other team f’ed up, don’t you want them punished? Here’s the deal: For every foul–rule breaking–there is a penalty attached to it. When there is a foul called on one team, the other team has the option of accepting or declining the resulting penalty. For example, let’s say it’s third down and the Cardinals are on the 50 yard line. The Steelers rough up Cardinals QB Kurt Warner and gets a roughing the passer call. That’s a no-no and they would get a 5 yard penalty—meaning the Cardinals get to move 5 yards closer to the goal and get to redo the 3rd down.

Great! Who would decline that? You avenge your Qb and move closer to scoring!

Well, see, sure he got beat up BUT on the same play, Kurt Warner completed an amazing pass 15 yards down the field to Larry Fitzgerald.

• If they accept the penalty they would be on the 45 yard line but it would be third down.
• If they decline the penalty, they would be  on the 35 yard line and it would be first down.

Does that help at all? If not feel free to email me for more details. Or go look it up somewhere else!

_________________________________________________________________________________–

Penalties:

So in football there are (a million) rules…. and then there are penalties assessed for any rule breaking.

For example, each team can only have 11 players on the field. If they have too many men on the field, there is a 5 yard penalty given to the team that broke the rule. You’ll be surprised just how many times you see this called!

There are two kinds of penalties: against the offense or against the defense.

If the call is:

Against the offense: the yardage is now attached to their original goal. Meaning if they were first and ten and got a five yard penalty, they are now first (or second) and 15.

Against the defense: the yardage is now taken away from the offense’s original goal—or they get to move farther down the field.

Penalty Assessment:

Penalties will always be either 5 yards, 10 yards or 15 yards.

However, if the team is in within 10 yards of the goal line, you may hear the announcers say “Half the distance to the goal.” This means the team gets to move half way closer to the goal line, no matter what the penalty normally is. Why? Well let’s say they were on the 2 yard line and there was a 5 yard penalty called. If they were to move forward five yards they would be in the end zone! So instead, they found a fair way to assess the penalty.

The penalty may also include an Automatic First Down, regardless of what down they are currently on. If the violation doesn’t have an Automatic First Down (like offsides, delay of game, more than 11 players on field….) then they refs will say: “repeat [insert current number down here] down”

The Common Rules & Penalties

There are dozens of others than the ones listed here. These are just the ones that seem to be the most common! Feel free to check out all the rest at Wikipidia’s Football Penalties.

Holding (Offense or Defense): One player literally holds the other player so he can’t move, block a play, or catch a pass. This is the most common penalty in football.

Offensive: 10 yard penalty

Defensive: 5 yard penalty, automatic first down
START OF THE PLAY

Delay of Game: (Usually Offense), 5 yard penalty

If the offense fails to snap the ball before the play clock runs to zero, they get a delay of game penalty.

Too Many Men On the Field/Illegal Substitution 5 yard penalty

Each team can only have 11 men on the field. They are allowed to subsitute players at will, but the players must be completely off the field before the next ball is snapped. Quarterbacks will sometimes deliberately hurry up the offense to snap the ball, knowing the defense has another man on the field trying to get off.

False start (Offensive) 5 yard penalty
Never really understood this one even though every game I’ve ever watched seems to have this happen. The best answer I could come up with was from Wikipedia saying it’s “a sudden movement of the offense in an attempt to draw the defense offsides.”

Freaking great. Still no idea what that means or why it’s bad.

Here’s the deal. Prior to the snap of the ball, the offensive team must come to an absolute stop for at least one second with no movement of hands, feet, head, or swaying of body.

Once the players are in position on the line of scrimmage, the offense is not allowed to move or “fake out” the defense until the ball is snapped. If they do, they get a false start. If they were first and ten before the foul, they would now be first and 15.

F.A.Q.: “It seems like in every play there is a guy blatantly running behind the line before the snap. How come he doesn’t get called for a false start?” Well, because almost all the offense has to be stationary. One back is allowed to move and switch sides. Why? He is special…..

But: if he is moving forward at the start of the snap, he will get an illegal motion call.

Interesting Wow Factor Fact: The signal the referees use for a false start in football, is the same as the “traveling” call in basketball. Traveling is an illegal offensive movement on the court!

False Start vs. Off-sides vs. Encroachment vs. Neutral Zone Infraction vs. Illegal Formation

Behold the subtle nuances of football rules and penalties. All four are pretty much the same thing…. but they aren’t.

For all intents and purposes, Offsides is the defensive version of a false start. Offenses can be called for an offsides violation but its rare and complicated…..of course.

• Off-sides (defensive) 5 yards, repeat the down
• Encroachment (defensive) 5 yard penalty.
  Same as off-sides but the defensive player has contact with the offensive player before the start.
• Neutral Zone Infraction (defensive) 5 yard penalty
• If a defensive player moves off-sides and causes the offense to false start, it’s a Neutral Zone Infraction.
• Illegal Formation: (offense) There must be exactly seven players lined up on the offensive line of scrimmage for at least one count before the ball is snapped. If not, then it is an illegal formation.

PASSING

Pass Interference (Defensive, usually): Automatic first down & down begins at spot of the foul.
The defense touches, tackles or in any way impedes an offensive intended receiver from receiving a catchable pass before the ball has been touched by any other player. If the ball has been touched—all players are fair game!

Offensive Pass Interference results in a 10 yard penalty against the offense, meaning they have to move back 10 yards from where the penalty play began.

Intentional Grounding (Offensive) 10 yard penalty and loss of down.
When a quarterback gets scared is about to be sacked, sometimes he tries to throw the ball away because if he is sacked, the ball will be placed where is taken down, losing yard. If he throws the ball without an intended receiver in the area, he is intentionally grounding the ball because then the ball will be returned to the line of scrimmage.

Ineligible receiver -(Offensive) 5 yard penalty.

Offensive lineman are not allowed to catch passes. Why? No idea. But they are supposed to only be there for decoration to block.  If they do catch the ball or run down the field in an attempt to receive a pass, there is a penalty.

The Big No-Nos

Face mask (offensive or defensive): usually 5 yard penalty but p to 15 yards depending on the severity of the facemask infraction
Dangerous play where the opposing player grabs the facemask of the opposing player to stop him

Roughing the passer and roughing the kickers: (Defensive) 15 yard penalty This is when a defensive player makes contact with the quarterback or kicker after the ball has been thrown or kicked. Basically once the ball is put into play, the QB and kicker are defenseless since their blockers are following the ball so it’s a huge violation to touch them. Running into the Kicker, however, if if was unavoidable contact, is only a 5 yard penalty.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct (Offensive or Defensive) 15 yard penalty.

Taunting, gesturing, abusive language, making snow angels……This is a very vague rule. It’s supposed to be if one player sets out to intentionally hurt another player—verbally, not physically— but it extends to other weird violations.

If it is physical unsportsmanlike conduct, it is a Personal Foul on the player the committed the foul. The League will sometimes fine the player depending on the severity.

Excessive Celebration: Back in the day there were end zone dances and all sorts of fun things after touchdowns but now it’s considered unsportsmanlike and delays the game so the league has a No Excessive Celebration Rule.

Chop Block: (defensive)15 yard penalty. Player is tackled from behind or was hit below the knee when they are not carrying the ball. Major penalty as it endangers the general health of the blocker

Horse Collar Tackle 15 yard penalty

Grabbing the inside of shoulder pads or the jersey from behind to pull a player down.

Now you are fully prepared to scream “BAD CALL! REF YOU SUCK” during the game and actually feel confident saying that!

I didn’t think it would be hard for me to crank out a piece about the football positions/players. The baseball positions piece took hardly any time at all! And I know a lot of the players already like:

• Quarterback: duh, who hasn’t at least heard of a QB!
• receivers: because they receive the ball
• lineman: the big men
• tight ends: because they sound HOT!
• and the little kicker dude.

Ha! There is so much more than that, it’s not even funny. I’m used to baseball and basketball where it’s all pretty easy and basic. Football, not so much.

Am I really supposed to understand all that? As if it doesn’t look imposing enough, when you try to actually look up what each position is, I swear they try to make it  complicated. I mean for Receivers, I read that their “primary function is to stretch the field, to be a deep threat, and to pull away an eighth defensive man near the line of scrimmage from moves against the quarterback.” Seriously? THEY CATCH THE BALL. That’s their primary function. Catch. The. Ball.

This piece took a long time. First I had to find out what the positions were called. Then I had to translate all the gibberish in their descriptions to figure out what they actually do! After that, I had to treat myself to pictures of the hottest football players for each position! I earned it! Don’t worry I shared them with you!

I will warn you, if you don’t know football very well and you should probably check out my Football’s Bend & Snap and Other Key Terms to Know before reading this.

Also, if you are looking to learn football 101 basics FAST or in time for you Super Bowl Party, check out The Stiletto Sports Girl’s Guide to Football: Big Game E-Book Edition! Available for immediate download to any reading device so you can learn on the go!

A Girl’s Guide to Football: The Players & Positions

Offense

Defense

Special Teams
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE OFFENSE (aka the guys trying to score)

Made up of:

• The Offensive Linemen: in charge of creating “the line” that protects the quarterback
• The Backs: Meaning the players that are in the back of the lineman. The quarterback and the ball carriers.
• The Tight Ends: So not what you think they are! Not nearly as cool! Basically, they are a cross between the linemen and the receivers.
• The Receivers: the ones who catch the passes

Seven players must line up on the line of scrimmage, and only the two tight ends are eligible to catch passes.

The Linemen:

Offensive linemen are not allowed catch the ball but may run the ball if they want. (see my silly football rules for more on that…)

• Center: The play in the center of the line! He is the one to start each play when he “snaps” the football.
• Offensive Guards: The guards right next to the center on each side. I like to think of them as function is to block on both running and passing plays.
• Offensive Tackle: the offensive tackles line up next to the guards. Their role is primarily to block. The area from one tackle to the other is an area of “close line play.” Don’t ask.

Tight Ends

Vernon Davis proves that Tight Ends are still hot, even if it has nothing to do with tushies

• They are a mix between a blocker and a pass receiver being they block but they also handle the football.
• Tight ends play on either side of the tackles.
• If he moves away from the offensive tackle, he is called a split end.
• Name dropping: Jason Witten, Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates and Vernon Davis (photo below)

The Backs

I swear I did eenie, meenie, miney mo before I picked which hot QB to put here. Tom was just lucky I guess!

• The Quarterback: The Man! He’s a leader, keeps a cool head under pressure, be mentally and physically tough and exude sex appeal! All attractive attributes in any man. I get really annoyed when QBs are not attractive. It’s not cool. Oh yeah, and he calls the plays, gets the football from the snap and puts it into play with with a long pass, a handoff or he runs it himself.  Name Dropping: The Manning Brothers, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Kurt Warner, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan McNabb, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco.

• Fullback: Usually a blocker and the guys that clear the path for the guys running through the big pile-up with the ball. But they can carry the ball too.
• Running back: The ones that seem to do a whole lot of work to get no where. They are the little compact guys that try to shove their way through the huge defensive linemen in front of them and get taken down almost immediately. The ones that make you go “what was the point of that? He didnt’ get anywhere”***  At least that’s what I think….
• Name dropping: Adrian Peterson (photo below), Michael Turner, Brian Westbrook, LaDainian Tomlinson

RB Adrian Peterson. I was going to give you an action shot but saw this, drooled all over myself (seriously, mouth watering) and had to put it up!

***I actually did ask this question once, and found out the answer. It’s to confuse the defense. If  the QB passed the ball every single play, the defense would know and intercept or something. Plus the QB couldnt’ throw the ball that much. It would hurt!

The Receivers

WR Larry Fitzgerald makes catching the ball look so easy. And so sexy!

” The wide receivers are speedy pass-catching specialists.”  Their main job is to get open for a pass. There are two different kinds of WR,  and I swear if you memorize these two positions and use them correctly during a game, you will 1. freak everyone out and 2. get anything you want.

• Speed Wide Receiver: The “deep threat.” The ones that bullet down the field to receive the pass.
• Possession Wide Receiver: Not as fast, but great at keeping the ball and moving it down the field
• Name dropping: Larry Fitzgerald, Randy Moss, DeSean Jackson, Santonio Holmes, Plaxico Buress

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_________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE DEFENSE (aka the ones trying to make sure the other team doesn’t score)

• The Linemen: Players on the line of scrimmage
• The Secondary/Defensive Backs: All the players that play behind the line.

The Linemen:

Defensive End and DWTS hottie Jason Taylor shows linemen can be soooo fine!

• Nose guard: Basically the Center of the defense. Lines up nose to nose with the offensive center. Short and strong, their job is to stop the offense from coming down the midle. If they quick, they are get through the offense and sack the QB!
• Defensive tackle: The players lined up across from offensive guards.  Their mission: break through the offensive line, rush forward at the quarterback (aka passer) and also stop the runs coming up the middle of the pack.
• Defensive End: The two ends play on well, the ends–or outer edges–of the defensive line. Their mission: break through the offense, rush forward at the quarterback and stop the runs coming up the sides of the field. Name Drop: DWTS JASON TAYLOR!!!!
  • The faster of the two ends is usually placed on the right side of the defensive line because that is the blind side of a right-handed quarterback, making them vulnerable to attacks!

The Secondary/Defensive Backs:

DeMarcus Ware shows that linebackers are not fat, ugly and scary--they are chisled, damn fine and sweet!

• Linebacker: Linebackers play behind the defensive line and perform various duties depending on the situation, including rushing the passer, covering receivers, and defending against the run. Most defensive sets have between two and three linebackers.Linebackers are usually divided into three types:
  • Strongside: Lines up across from the offensive tight end. Stongest so he can push through the blockers quickly to grab the offensive guy carrying the ball.
  • Middle: the “quarterback of the defense” because he reads the offensive formation and tries to adjust the whole defense in response to what he sees.
  • Weakside: The most athletic and quickest—not necessarily the strongest—because he needs to be able to run and cover the field.
  • Name Dropping: Brian Urlacher-middle, DeMarcus Ware
• Cornerback:  The two players that cover the wide receivers. Their goal is to make sure the receivers don’t catch the  ball! They try to bat it down or pluck it out of the air for themselves.
• Safety: The safeties are the last line of defense (farthest from the line of scrimmage) and help cover the open field from long passing. Name Drop: Troy Polamalu
• There are also things called Nickelbacks and Dimebacks but yeah…if it’s not the band, don’t think I really care.

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_________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE SPECIAL TEAMS

You don’t f&@% with the special teams.  They have all sorts of special privleges and stuff like “Roughing the Kicker Penalties.” Personally, I don’t see the fuss. But apparently they are very rare, elite and oh, so special. They are so rare they only come out to play for certain things!

These are the guys that come on for kickoffs, free kicks, punts, field goals and extra point attempts. (If you don’t know what those are, well, you didn’t read my Football Terms to Know that I said you must read before continuing!)

The Special Teams are:

• Kickoff team: The group that comes out for the kickoff
• a kick return team: the team that catches the kickoff and is trying to run it back down the field
• a punting team: The team that comes to punt the ball (strangely….they can be different then the kicking teams…go figure)
• a punt blocking/return team: the team that first tries to block the punt, and then when unsuccessful, catches the punts and tries to run it back.
• a field goal team: The team that comes out to kick the field goal with the kicker.
• a field goal blocking team: the defensive team that comes out to stop or block the field goal team.

The V.I.Players:

• The Holder & the Kicker: Think Charlie Brown and Lucy. Lucy holds the ball for Charlie Brown to kick. Well except in the NFL, the Lucy’s don’t pull the ball away from the kicker. That would be hysterical bad.
  • Okay so the holder is the guy that gets the football after it is snapped (See Football’s Bend & Snap) and makes sure the ball is adjusted for the Kicker to, well, kick.
  • The football needs upright with the laces out before it is kicked.
  • Then the sucker the holder actually holds the ball on the placeholder while it is kicked.
  • For more about the Kicker: Why we love the kicker

• Kick returner: He’s the guy that hangs out way down the field to catch the football after a kickoff and then runs it back. I think.
• Punter: The guy that kicks the punts. And the kicker is (ha, had to say it) in the NFL this guy is different from the Kicker. Why? I have no idea. You would think that if the guy has the eye-foot coordination to kick a field goal and not kick the holder’s finger,  he could punt a ball. Maybe he lacks hand-foot coordination?
• Punt returner: He’s the guy that hangs out way down the field to catch the football after a punt and then runs it back. Like a dog. This guy also moonlights as the kick returner, unlike his offensive counterparts the kicker and the punter.
• Wedge Buster: I don’t even care what this guy does, it’s such a great name and title! Can you imagine meeting him at a bar? “Hi, I’m Jake and I’m a Wedge Buster.” Ha
  • In all honestly, this guy has like, the worst job ever. So you know the punt/kick returner guy? Okay let’s say he caught the ball. Now he’s trying to make it back down the field and he is surrounded by his whole Offensive Team, aka “the wedge” to help him. Enter the Wedge Busters! These are the Defensive Guys that run like hell down the field after the punt/kick-off trying to stop the returner. Why does it suck? They are running full force at the Offensive Team to break it up. So when they contact…. Philadelphia Eagles special teams coach once said “It’s like throwing yourself in front of a bus.”
  • How that is any more painful then any other tackle, I do not know.

• Hands Team:  From Wikipedia: “Used only during onside kicks, the members of a hands team are responsible for preventing the kicking team from recovering a kick, usually by recovering the ball themselves.” I didn’t understand a word of that. Lost me at Onside Kicks, totally tuned out after that.

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More in A Girl’s Guide to Football:

• The Bend & Snap and other key terms to know
• The Basics
• Rules & Penalties

~Erma Bombeck

Before we begin to tackle (pun intended) football basics, make sure you take the time to read over  Football Terms To Know which goes over a lot of key words that will be used throughout the rest of the Football 101 pieces!

Football Basics is going to cover all the, well, basics! The structure of the team, the game itself and the football season. The rest of the football guide covers

• Football Players and Positions
• Football Rules & Penalties

The Teams

-There are two teams in each game: Home & Visitor.

-Each team is allowed 11 players on the field at a given time. If there are more than 11, the team gets a penalty (Be forewarned, there are a LOT of potential penalties in football….)

-Each team is actually comprised of 53 players (I think. I got 5 different answers: 45, 46, 53, under 65, 80 in the off season…. If you average them it would be 57.8 players…. But my editor said it’s 53 in the NFL regular season so we are going with that as our final answer!)

-Teams are allowed to substitute players pretty much whenever they want—and as many as they want! They can change their whole field as long as they do it in the time allowed.

-The players are divided into

• Offense: The guys running down the field with the football trying to score points.
• Defense: The guys trying to kill stop the offense from scoring.
• Special Teams: All the other guys doing stuff. More about these guys a little bit later!

-Each team alternates between Offense and Defense. This changes when

• A goal is scored (touchdown or field goal)
• There is a fumble (player looses control of the ball) and the other team takes possession of the football
• The half ends
• There is a pass interception (wrong team caught the ball!)
• The team failed to do what it needed to do in it’s allowed four tries and they have to give the ball back to the other team. (We’ll go over this in detail in just a bit!)

Game Play

• -The game is broken down into four 15 minute quarters. (It’s not your imagination that the games seem to drag on forever. In football math: 4 x 15 minutes = 3 hours.)
• There is a 2 minute pause in between the quarters.
• After the first half, there is a halftime intermission, usually 12 minutes long.

-If the game is tied at the end of 3 hours 4 quarters, the game goes into Sudden Death (known in other sports–including college football– as Overtime).

-During the NFL regular season, if no one gets killed scores in Sudden Death, the game is declared “a tie”

-In NFL playoffs, however, they play till someone wins.

-The first team to score in Sudden Death, wins. Unlike college football where both teams gets an equal opportunity to score, no matter how long it takes. **Rumor has it that this year the NFL playoffs will follow the college system.

Time-Outs: Each team gets three time outs per half. Time outs are a minute and ten seconds long, unless the game is televised and it’s a “TV Timeout” for commercial slots. Then it’s a minute and 50 seconds.

The Two Minute Warning: This occurs at the end of each half, signaling that the half is winding down. The warning is actually a time-out for both teams, without charging either team for the pause of game.

Game Clock vs. Play Clock: The game clock ticks down the 15 minutes of each quarter. The play clock, on the other hand, ticks off the time that the offense has to put the ball in play. They have 40 seconds from the time the previous play was completed to start their new play. It is also called the “delay of game timer” because if they fail to get the ball in motion, they will be penalized with a delay of game call.

F.A.Q. Why are players so eager to run out of bounds, especially at the end of games? Are the players sore and scared of being tackled?

Perhaps. I know if I had spent three hours being tackled by 300 pound monsters, I’d be eager to get away from them too. But they are actually running out of bounds to stop the clock. If they don’t make it out, the clock continues to tick and precious seconds are lost.

The Football Season

-Pre-season kicks off (ha!) in August. The regular season for college and NFL goes from the end of August or early September and runs until December. Then the NFL playoffs and college bowl games run through January.

• The NFL plays on Sundays and on Monday nights. On occasion there are Thursday games
• The high profile College games are on Saturdays and sometimes Thursdays. Sure, other games are played during the week but they are usually not the matchups everyone wants to watch.
• High School football is usually on Friday Night (hence, Friday Night Lights) or Saturday mornings!

-The NFL season runs for 17 weeks

• Each team has a “bye week” meaning they have a week off.
• This started in 1990 because the NFL decided they wanted the season to drag out an extra week. No, I’m not kidding.

Object & Scoring

-See football terms to know for more information about this.

________________________________________________________________________

More in A Girl’s Guide to Football:

• Terms to know
• Players & Positions
• The NFL
• Guide to the Super Bowl
• The Rules & Penalties

*graphic from Paula Duffy’s book: A Women’s Guide to Football.

Stiletto Sports’ Rulebook for Team Selections aka “the picks” works especially well in playoff match ups.

Rule #1: If you already have a team you follow, pick them!

If not…

• 1a: If your boyfriend/husband/signifcant other/family member/ friend has a team they really like and you don’t care at all, go with what they say
• 1b. Go with your home town, home state, current state of residence or favorite state to vacation in.
  
• Proving the Rules: I’ve watched Kansas college basketball for over 10 years. I always pick them in match-ups out of loyalty. And look, last year they won! Dad worships the Celtics and I don’t have an NBA team anymore so I went with his and look, they won last year! I live in Florida and didn’t care about baseball so I figured, hey, let’s root for the Tampa Bay Rays and look, they got to the World Series!

Rule #2: Pick the team with the hottest guys

This can be tricky! Feel free to ask me for my input

• 2a. However, if a team from your hometown, home state, current state of residence, or favorite state to vacation is in a match-up and does not have a cute player, you may disregard Rule 2 to support your local team.
• 2b. Sometimes both teams will have hot guys. Use your discretion. Does one super hot & talented star outweigh three cuties? Weigh this carefully!
• 2c. If you have heard of a player, even if he is not hot, chances are he is probably good. Afterall, why else have you heard of him? You can pick his team even if he is ugly.
  
• 2d: Amended 1/4/09. Use caution with 2a. Make sure you are very loyal to your state or town because you really shouldn’t go against the cute guys: See Dolphins losing to Ravens in NFL playoffs. I chose Dolphins because I live in Fl even though the Ravens had the hot guy. Bad plan.
  

Rule #3: Pick the team with the best colors

I personally love pink but you don’t see that very often. UNC does have a really pretty baby blue color. But usually Iother favorite or significant colors to help me choose like:

• My high school & sorority colors: purple & gold
• My college colors: blue & orange
• Or I compare and contrast: if one team has red and black and the other has icky yellow and brown….

Rule #4: Judge a team by it’s name

This goes for state, town and mascot name. Like Phoebe from Friends when she said “Green Bay! That’s only, like, my favorite bay”

My favorite is when you get into college teams because there are some doozies out there! I’m actually going to steal my own quote from my NCAA basketball article:

Some strange and sometimes made-up names to consider

• The Hawaii Rainbows. I’m sure that strikes fear into the hearts of their opponent
• The Maryland Terrapins (aka turtles). They sound like they run up and down the court/field quickly
• These leave you wondering what the heck it means. Ohio State Buckeyes???? Oklahoma Sooners? Sooner than what? Illinois Fighting Illini. Um, ok. Can’t even really say that. Ill-inny? Ill-eye-ni? Scary I’m sure.
• And my favorite, the Southern Illinois Salukis. Which, after a painfully boring article about why on earth these people thought it would be a good name, I discovered is some ancient purebreed dog from Egypt.

Rule #5: Pick your favorite animal!

Hope it’s not the Saluki.

Which do you prefer: Cardinals or falcons? Eagles or ravens? Panthers or Jaguars? Bears or Tigers? Buck or Timberwolf? Ooooh or a Raptor! It gets trickier when the team doesn’t have animals. But just think about it: Do you like White Socks or Red Socks better

Rule Test #2-5: This is how I pick my brackets for the NCAA March Madness Tournament. I won the pool the first year I did one and came in second another time. The boys were not amused.

Rule #6: Remember, it’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind! (added January 20, 2009)

Don’t feel like have to be 100% committed to your pick! Thing of them more like a fabulous pair of shoes you found to go with a hot outfit! They might be absolutely perfect and you can totally go with them. But if you keep looking and find another pair that’s a better fit and goes better, that’s totally fine!

Sometimes you will go into a game not knowing all the info. You may know of a hottie on one team so you pick them. Half-way through the game, you may find the other team has more hotties. If this happens, remember the shoe thing and reweigh your options!

• 6a. “you can totally change your pick mid-game if you discover hotties on the other team that you did not know about.” Just be prepared, not everyone approves of this rule. Or even knows about it. Refer them here if you have any problems exerting your rights!
• Rule test: See Pittsburgh Steelers-Baltimore Ravens Team Selection and following Recap Article for proof of how well this method works!

More Rules to come as I Invent them!

*All Rules are subject to change without notice.

**Although it has great results for me, I in no way guarantee this method or recommend putting money down based on what I say. If you do and you lose, don’t blame me. If you win, gimme half! Or at least let me know it worked so I can have testimonials!

“In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line.” — George Carlin in Baseball vs. Football

Funny yes, but what does it all mean?

By looking at a football game, it seems so easy. The technical objective is to score more points than your opponent but really, it’s just to beat the crap out of all the other players on the field, sometimes including those on your own team! (Hard to tell who is who when everyone jumped in a big pile and your helmet is in the way!)

The other day, for research purposes, I decided to watch a game and ignore any football knowledge I have accumulated over the last decade or two. And, wow, it’s actually a pretty complex sport with lots of terms and rules and stuff that gave me a headache!

This is Part 1: Very Basic Terms to Know before attempting to read on let alone watch a game! I know that there are a lot technicalities within each term but I don’t want to confuse anyone. Namely, myself.

First, the Pigskin: Yeah, that’s the football.

The Playing Field:

The Gridiron: the football field. My fascinating fact: comes from the word Griddle, like the frying pans! If you look at a griddle they have parallel lines to cook on and that’s what the gridiron means,: a surface with parallel lines. Mmm..pancakes sound so good right now. Oh right, football. Blah.

Yard: Equivelant to 3 feet or 36 inches. It is the unit of measurement of the field. Why? I have no idea. The field itself is 100 yards (120 with both end zones).

End Zone:  This is the spot that the teams are trying to get the ball to. There is one on each end of the field and it’s where the big goal posts live! Get the ball into the end zone and you score points! Yay!

Line of Scrimmage: I knew this one till I read the definition. It was so wordy it confused me. In football there are two lines, offensive and defensive.  This refers to the spot where the both lines, well, line up with the ball in the middle to get ready to start the next action-packed sequence.

Scoring:

There are two ways to score: Touchdowns and Field Goals

Touchdown: When a team scores by “touching down” the ball in the end zone, meaning carried in or caught. It is worth 6 points and then the scoring team gets to try and kick the ball for an extra point. Not really sure why it’s worth 6 whole points. Most sports you get 1. Basketball has a 3-point shot. Maybe thats why. Because they had to bring the ball so far down the field, it’s worth more? Hmm…. But in that case if someone runs the ball all the way from the other end zone, shouldn’t it be worth like 12 points?

Field Goal: You know those big goal posts at the end of the field? When a team kicks the football into the middle of them they score 3 points!

Field Kick: The kick that gets them those 3 points. Duh.

Extra points: After a touchdown, the scoring team gets to kick the ball into the goal posts to attempt to gain an extra point, bringing their score from 6 to 7 points. Or they can try to run it in again for 2 points.

Quarterback: The QB! He tends to be the team’s leading star. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here but it doesn’t seem like a team can be successful without a great quarterback. He pretty much puts the football in play from throwing passes or handing off the ball.

Objectives:

The second objective of football, besides scoring points, is to achieve the 1st Down. :

Downs: Yeah…really, really don’t want to explain this because it’s just one of those weird football things that are so essential to the game, yet so WEIRD! I’m sure you have heard it: 1st down, 2nd down, 3rd down, 4th down…..

The offensive team gets 4 chances to move the ball ten yards down the field. Each chance is a “down.”  If they don’t advance 10 yards in 4 tries, the ball goes back to the other team. Kinda like baseball: you have three outs per side before you give the ball back to the other team.

Downs & Yards, i.e, First & Ten, Third and inches, Third and Goal.

This means it’s the First Down, or chance, and the offense needs still needs to move the ball 10 yards.

Third and inches means its the third chance and they only have a few inches to go to hit the 10 yard mark!

Third and Goal means that it’s the third chance and they are within 10 yards of the end zone, aka the goal.

**There are markers on the side of the field to help determine if the down was made. Sometimes it really does come within inches. Watching a televised game? They have a a digital line to show viewers at home where the first down is! Great technology!

the magic yellow first down line used for t.v.

About Passing:

Passing play: I read that this is “a play in which a forward pass is made.” Gee that’s helpful. That makes it sound like any time a guy hits on me in a bar.

Receiver: Player catching or receiving the pass.

Incomplete pass: A pass that goes awry. No one is able to catch the ball.

Interception: A pass that is sucessfully caught by the other team, aka intercepted.

Fumble: An, “oops, my bad.” When a player messes up with the ball and it fumbles around. Usually funny to watch.

Pass Interference: This is different than an interception because it’s an action that inhibits the pass receiver from catching the ball and it’s not allowed.

What is “Play Action” they are always talking about?

Play Action, or  Play Action Pass (PA for super short), is a fancy schmancy way of saying “fake out.” Basically the QB pretends to hand off the football so that the defense will then follow the guy with the pretend ball. This does two things.

1. It gives the quarterback more time to then pass the ball because no on thinks he still has the ball (and it’s a big no no to rough the QB after a pass).
2. Since the defense is following that guy with the pretend ball, it helps open up the field for a receiver to catch the pass.

Some other stuff:

football has a bend and snap too!

Football’s version of “the bend and snap” Oh that’s right, I just compared football to Legally Blonde! Yay!  Elle teaches us that Guaranteed Guy Getter is the “bend and snap” (aka bend forward to show your booty and then snap back up with your chest thrust forward) and football has the same move! The players bend over with their tushies in the air until the ball is “snapped” and then they too, all snap back and run, chest forward into the person in front of them!

:)

The Snap: When the Center (the player in the middle of the bending lineup) passes the ball between his legs to the QB or player behind him to start off each play with a snap!

The Play: The action-packed sequence that occurs after the snap until it is stopped (out of bounds, interception, tackle, fumble, score…till the next sequence begins)

False Start: Never really understood this one even though every game I’ve ever watched seems to have this happen. The best answer I could come up with was from wikipedia saying it’s “a sudden movement of the offense in an attempt to draw the defense offsides.” Freaking great. Still no idea what that means or why it’s bad. And no one seems to be able to explain it in logical words. Before the ball is snapped, some players on the offense try to fake out the defense to trick them into moving before the offense puts the ball into play. I think.

Kickoff: Used at the start of the game, halftime or after a score. One teams kicks the football off of a tee at their own 30-yard line as hard as they can. The other team catches it and tries to run it back as far as they can!

Punt: aka a drop-kick. Not kicked from a tee like the kick-off. Here, the kicker drops the ball to his own foot and kicks it as hard as he can down the field to make the players chase after it. (Next time you are “threatening” someone, instead of saying “I’m going to drop-kick your a$$,” try “I’m going to punt you.” See if it intimidates!)

look how funny he looks punting!

Manuevers

Blitz: When the defense rushes against the snap. Yeah, see what I mean: the definitions are often as ambiguous as the term itself. As soon as the ball is snapped and not even in the QB’s hands, the defense rushes forward hoping to take down the QB. What the difference is between this and a regular play….no idea

Sack: When the QB is tackled before he passes the ball off to someone else, behind the line of scrimmage. Wherever he was taken down, that’s where the offense has to start their next play. What this means: the offensive team now has farther to go for their first down.

Tackle: When a defensive player hurls his body against the player from the other team carrying the ball and knock him to the ground to end the play.

Blocking: Unlike tackling, this is used against the defensive players to try to stop them from getting to the guy carrying the football

Holding: Is the bad way of blocking and tackling. Apparently, you are not allowed to hold other players even though they are trying to kill the guy carrying the football. Go figure. There is offensive and defensive holding which we will get into later. In short, it’s holding onto the oppenents jersey or hooking around a body part…I don’t know. Just plain weird.

a big ole pile of men in a tackle

Flag or yellow flag: A lot of times you see the officials throwing something yellow on the field and say the announcers say “a flag on the play.” Uh huh, sure. It’s just a fancy way of calling it a foul or saying one of the players did something wrong. Then the officials usually give an explanation like holding of false start or something else no one understands

my favorite unique gift from tailgatingideas.com

Why to go to a live football game

1. Tailgating. No one parties like football fans in a parking lot! BYOB, grills, food and music and settle in for hours of fun. If you are lucky, you get so buzzed you don’t even realize you are at a football game! (Kidding, I swear!)

2. You can have your face painted!

3. You can scream like a maniac and take out all your anger by beating the crap out of the person next to you, and everyone would just cheer you on!

Yeah…that’s all I have, unless you are lucky enough to live in a year-round warm weather climate. The whole sitting outside in the freezing cold and snow to watch a bunch of men beat the crap out of each other negates any other positive I may come up with! More than willing to hear your thoughts though!

Oh who am I trying to fool? Forget #2 & #3, #1 is really the main reason to go to a game! Tailgating has become America’s Favorite Pasttime. Forget the actual game! (I know I did when I tried to tailgate all day and then watch the game!) I always knew that football fans are well, fanatical, about tailgating but it has become a down right obsession. And for good reason!

TailgatingAmerica.com describes it as “It’s the last great American neighborhood  – the tailgating neighborhood.  Where no one locks their doors, everyone is happy to see you and all are together sharing fun, food and football!”

Their site, and so many others, are dedicated to the pursuit of perfect tailgating! From fan gear to unique accessories, recipes to how-to tips Tailgating America along with Tailgatingideas have everything you need to make your day at the game, a winner. (ok that was cheesy even by my standards. Sorry, not enough coffee yet!)

Head to Google and type in “tailgating” you will be amazed at what you find!

I thought I knew my way around a football game until I decided to teach others about it. And how do you even begin? It’s definitely not just a bunch of fats guys trying to beat each other up like it may first appear. Even the basic rules are stupidly complex (just try to figure out how many players on a team. I got about about 8 different answers: 45, 46, 53, under 65, 80 in the offseason…. I’m still not sure I know).

But then I realized one of the most high profile NFL girlfriends is Jessica Simpson. So if she can figure this game out enough to keep Tony Romo interested, how hard could it really be?

I have already found a ton of fascinating, albeit silly and trivial, facts that I can’t wait to share.  Like the jersey numbers.  Most sports you just get to pick you favorite number. Not here. They have to make those complicated too. From Wikipedia I learned that the NFL has strict regulations on their jersey numbering system:

So I guess since I have a major obsession with the number 5 I would have to be either a quarterback or a linebacker. Hmm. Not sure I have the shoulders for a linebacker.

I’m giving a warning: You will have to bear with me on this one because it will definitely take a lot of time and research on my part. But I am up for the challenge and I’m hoping to be ready for this season’s Superbowl XLIII. It’s  right here in Tampa Bay! I’ve already been told by my bofriend and all his friends that they will be partying big time and warned that if I don’t fully understand the game, I will not be allowed to party with them! Can’t let them, my city and my potential new party wardrobe down!

I went to the Superbowl when it was in Jacksonville in 2005 but I was just part of the pre-game and halftime shows (not as fun as you think. It was the year after Janet Jackson’s boob incident. They were a little more cautious with their celebrity guest. Plus it was actually  cold in Fl and we didn’t see any of the game).  I was there and I can’t even tell you who was in the game let alone who won! Though I do have pieces of grass from the endzone and 50 yard line as souveniors…. But this year I am hoping to go to the actual game, know who is in it, AND be one of the crazy face-painted screaming fans in the stands!

Wish me luck!