It just struck me this morning… I’m such a passionate sports fan, I love all sports… and yet I’ve only been to a small sampling of professional sporting events in my life. It’s a slight oxymoron to me. ”Yeah! Go sports! As long as I’m sitting at my desk!”

………. really?

I remember my first pro event. What man—or any sports fan—doesn’t? It was an NFL game. November 30, 2000. My dad had a business trip up in Minnesota to attend, and the company representative (can’t for the life of me remember his name) invited us to come along to an NFL game.

Now, up to this point (I can’t believe that I’m about to admit this), I wasn’t really a fan of any particular NFL team, but I *did* have a little Green Bay Packers keychain… you remember those, with the 3 inch rubber/plastic dude dangling from his helmet? Yeah, I had one of those.

Give me a second… I’m feeling slightly ill.

By the way… a big shout out to the company rep that took us. My dad and I stopped at a souvenir booth, and I was like “Oooo, jerseys!”… but they were $100. No way I was getting one of those. So my dad grabbed me a hat instead. And then the rep (dangit, what was his name?) came up and said “You want that jersey up there?” I was pretty much in shock. Such a nice guy.

Anyway, we were sitting down in the end zone, about 15ish rows up. Part of me thinks “Man, what crappy seats”. The other part of me (I was 13 at the time) couldn’t stop babbling and jumping up and down. Here I was, at a Vikings/Lions game (pre 0-16 Lions, that is) in the Metrodome, with a new hat and a jersey that I still swim in to this day. On a Thursday, which meant I was missing school… honestly, that was probably the #2 reason for all my excitement. Ah, childhood.

But you gotta remember… this wasn’t a Tarvaris Jackson-led Vikings team… oh no. This was Daunte Culpepper in his prime, with Randy Moss and Cris Carter as his targets. This is the year they finished 11-5 and won the division. Our trophy case is devoid of any Super Bowl trophies, so I drool over what I can… get off me.

Anyway, here we were in our crappy end zone seats, in my purple dress jersey and white stocking hat, cheering for absolutely no reason except I was watching a great game. And then, suddenly, right in front of me… history happened.

Vikings were making a drive (I don’t remember the quarter). On the 4-yard line,Cris Carter split out wide to the right side. The ball was snapped, lofted by Culpepper to the corner of the end zone, right into the waiting hands of Carter. Who was a mere 15ish rows in front of me.

His 1,000th career reception, and a touchdown to boot.

I remember getting a few slaps on the back from people around me as we were celebrating. It took me until after the extra point to realize that this was because I was sporting a brand new #80 jersey… Carter’s number.

Dad… help me out here. What was that rep’s name?

Going to live sporting events is magical. I’ve been to:

3 Vikings games

• Carter 1,000th reception
• The game where Randy Moss caught a pass down the middle at the end of the first half, then flipped it over his shoulder to… someone…. as he was getting tackled. The guy got a TD off of it…
• and the Vikings/Colts game this past 2008 season, won by 5 field goals and lost by TJack’s terrible jump-passes)

2 Red Sox games, both in the Metrodome against the Twins.

• The first time was in 2001 or 2002, and no one knew how to pronounce Nomar Garciaparra’s last name.
• The second time, we had a dad and his 5 year old son sitting behind us, and the dad thought it was hilariously funny that “Co-Co Kripsy!” was playing for the Red Sox. Yes, Co-Co Krispy.).

I can’t wait till the day that I get to see the Red Sox play in Fenway, the Cubs in Wrigley, the Bears at Soldier Field or Packers at Lambeau. Not only is there so much history in all these parks and stadiums, but you come away from every game with some story that you’ll remember forever (”Look, Tyler, it’s Co-Co Krispy!”… and he’d say this about 3 or 4 times an at bat too… urgh).

So… as a sports fan…to all other sports fans, and non-sports fans: if you haven’t been to a professional sporting event, go to one. I promise that you won’t regret it.

My first thoughts after the initial shock of everything wore off: Awesome.  We got rid of him just in time.  But after about 15 seconds of inner glee, the horror of this saga really hit home.  Manny Ramirez, member of the LA Dodgers, former Boston Red Sox slugger, and key member of the 2004 and 2007 World Series teams.

I think I just died a little inside.

The only thing that makes me laugh a little bit is the fact that he was caught using a women’s fertility drug, which is used by steroid users to “restart their hormone system” after coming off of a ‘roid cycle.

Let me rephrase that.  Women’s fertility drug.  ’nough said.

Check out this list: A-Rod.  Clemens.  McGwire.  Bonds.  Ramirez.  All of these, easily Hall of Fame players.  All of these, players that have been busted for steroids in recent years.  If the top echelon players, the stars, the household names, are being busted for steroids, what is stopping everyone else from using as well?  I was talking to one of my friends Curt as I sat here and borrowed other people’s thoughts for my own maniacal gain wrote this article, and the comments went something like this:

Curt: At least my Mariners haven’t been known to cheat… except maybe A-Rod.
Me: This entire league cheats.
Curt: True… but we (Mariners) haven’t gotten caught yet.

Isn’t that just a sad thing to think about?

Bugs and Cranks, one of my favorite blogs to read, had just about the funniest headline on their blog today:

The entirety of Major League Baseball today tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and has been suspended 50 games.

“Major League Baseball had has no tolerance for drugs the last year or two,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “Therefore, I am sending the entire sport to its room without dinner and grounding it for 50 games. Hopefully baseball will think have some time to think about what it’s done and get its act together in time for the Fourth of July barbecue at Uncle Mike’s.”

… For the next 50 games, Major League Baseball will be entirely clean for the first time in its history.

… MMA legend Jose Canseco could not be reached for comment but was believed to be smirking.

Someone (T. Kornheiser, M. Wilbon, or the “host” Tony Reali) tweeted via @PTIShow a link about the Manny saga, written by Bill Simmons. (I’d post an excerpt, but it’d end off being over half of the article… so just go there and read it.)  If you’re a Red Sox fan, prepare yourself.  Get a pillow to punch, a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, a stiff drink… maybe all 3, you might need it.

I know I do.

Bud Selig, this is your final warning.  I think I speak for all the passionate fans of baseball when I say this.  This sport has fans like no other sport does in America… not football, not basketball, and certainly not hockey.  What has occurred over the better part of a decade is nothing short of a disgrace to our sport.  We are a laughing stock in sports nation.  The league of the Loveable Losers now is apparently just the league of Poor Losers Who Can’t Resist, Even Though Its Against The Rules, Since The Testing Program Is Absolutely Terrible.

Seriously, Bud, wake up and smell the Woman’s Fertility Drugs.  You’re going to get overrun here in the near future by the fans, the clean athletes (wait, those don’t exist, sorry…), by the purists of the sport of baseball.  We are tired of this garbage tarnishing our sport.  Weekly, bi-weekly testing… whatever it takes.  The players can whine and gripe all they want… but if they’re going to play in the league that you preside over, then you have the power to get them tested as often as you want.

The home run era is over, Bud.  And it’s tarnished.  We’ve still got power, but now we also have speed, small ball, defense, and everything else that baseball should have (even someone stealing home!).  But as long as we have these steroid questions hovering about, we won’t truly have our game back.

Basketball playoffs, baseball starting up… should be a great season for sports, right?

It is… but not the ones you’re thinking of.

I love this time of year for one reason… hockey playoffs. I watched maybe 2 hockey games during the regular season, and I’m not even what you could consider a “casual fan”. I know Sidney Crosbey, I know Alexander Ovechkin (and that his name doesn’t have an “L” in it), and if you give me a team name, I can make a pretty darn good effort on telling you where they’re from, or vice versa.

But here’s what I know about hockey, in general.

• Goals = 1 point
• Most points = win (duh)
• Shootouts = not as cool as they are in The Mighty Ducks movies, nor do they happen as often
• Along those lines… Knucklepuck = novelty. It doesn’t work.
• Some of these guys can skate and handle a puck better than I can walk in a straight line.
• Goalie fights are rare, and should be treasured (i.e. plenty of cheering)

I remember hearing talks at the beginning of this NHL season (on Sportscenter, of course… I don’t actually watch regular season hockey) that they were thinking of banning fighting, or at least making the punishments “more worth it”. What a stupid idea. I understand the desire to keep these players safe… but let’s review.

• Guys skating faster than most people run, all the time.
• Guys wielding wooden/composite weapo… er, “sticks”…
• …which are used to propel a piece of frozen rubber at incredible speeds…
• …at guys wearing enough padding, they could probably stop a bullet.
• Checking, or the art of smashing your opponent into the boards/glass surrounding the rink, is COMPLETELY LEGAL.
• Actually, hitting a guy in open ice is pretty legal too.
• An attacking player can stand right in front of the opposing goalie, blocking his view of the play going on around him.
• Said goalie will more often than not push the attacking player, or hit him in the skates/legs/jajuna (yes, jajuna… get off me) with his oversized stick.
• And don’t forget about “enforcers”, which are essentially just huge guys that are able to fight and skate, that come out to “protect” their star players.

Oh, and let’s not forget… if someone *does* get a shiner or a bloody nose from a fight or the general play of the game, they can just lie down. Instant ice for your face… ta da!

You know why boxing isn’t watched very much anymore? Society in general has a severe case of ADD. I’ll watch the UFC, which is the same general concept (beat the crap out of your opponent, don’t get hit, etc.), but they can do more than just punch. Hockey is like a long, drawn out, 20 round boxing match, with pads, helmets, sticks, and skates, moving at 30 miles an hour on ice. See how much more interesting that sounds?

But all fighting aside… I watch playoff hockey for the same reason that I watch the UEFA Cup soccer matches when they’re on TV. It’s different, it’s interesting, and the feats that these guys can perform are just phenomenal. Plus, my alternatives right now are White Sox baseball (and they’re not playing the Red Sox, so that’s out) or the NBA opening round playoffs (Kobe scores, LeBron scores, Shaq sc… wait, Shaq’s sitting at home right now… dangit). The aggression that caters to a testosterone-laden college student is just an added bonus (plus, I know plenty of women that like hockey as well).

How can you possibly resist the mullet?

How can you possibly resist the mullet?

Plus, hockey season brings out Barry Melrose, quite possibly the only guy that can make a mullet look good.

And the playoffs are just super. These teams have been playing for 82 games in a high-pressure environment, striving for all the points they can possibly get for their team, and now have a 7-game series in order to move on to the next round. Tons of pent-up aggression and a desire to move on motivate these guys to play hard every single second that they’re in. I’ve been watching the San Jose/Anaheim game as I write this, and these guys are hustling, constantly moving, and playing physical almost non-stop. NBA players should take notice.

Actually, the NBA should take notice. Here you go. This is how you make your games more interesting. Put walls up around the floor, and allow checking. Couldn’t you see it? Ray Allen going up for a 3-point shot from the corner, only to be checked into the boards by Dennis Rodman? (Yes, The Worm. He’d thrive in this environment.) Also, allow player substitutions on the fly. No “checking in during free throws” crap. It’d be epic! It would also shorten the career of your average NBA player… but who cares?!? It’s all about ratings, right?

So… my public service announcement of the day…

Support the NHL. Dentists Worldwide Will Thank You.