Friday, January 18, 2019

I hope you will forgive me for veering way off course today. But this week is…really hard for me.

Yesterday, I wrote a piece about Sandra Kay Yow and her inspiring life and battle with cancer. Moments after I finished, I found out a friend of mine has to move home from Germany (she just moved there about 2 months ago), because she found out her father is dying of lung cancer. She was coming to me for help and advice. My own mother passed away only a few months ago and I too, had to move home to New York temporarily. She wanted to know how do you deal? What do you?

Also, a year ago yesterday I left my old job and my family of co-workers, which believe me, was devastating to me. By the end of the day, I was drained mentally and emotionally. I needed to write it out of me. I promise there is a girl’s guide to football coming soon, but I needed and emotional release or risk my sanity. But hey, you get to learn about me!

I ask all of you, how would you measure a year in your life?

525600

“five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure, measure a year
in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?

measure in love… seasons of love…

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman or a man
in truths that she learned
or in times that she cried
in bridges she burned
or the way that she died

its time now to sing out though
the story never ends
let’s celebrate remember a year in a life
of friends

remember the love…”

~Rent “Seasons of Love”

There are 525,600 minutes in a year. I am missing at least  262, 800 minutes of 2008.  I lost my mother–my best friend–to cancer on Mother’s Day. The months leading up to and the months after have become a blur. I truly do not remember most of what happened in 2008. Even weirder, there seems to be a total suspension of time. I feel like I  am going to find out it really is January 2008, not 2009 because it doesn’t seem possible that a whole year has gone by. But apparently, it has.

So how do you measure a year in your life if you don’t really remember any of it?

In 525, 600 minutes?

beallsfamily

It’s been 525, 600 minutes since I left one job for a promotion with a new company. But it feels like it was last week. And while that was not the most life changing moment of the year by any stretch of the imagination, it did start a new chapter in my life so I measure 2008 from this day, not from January 1st.

So I got a new job. Why is that so significant?  Why not pick the day we found out about my mother’s cancer? Or wait until April/May when my life really did get turned upside down? Everything has to have a starting point and for some reason this is mine. All I know is that when I realized today would mark the 525,600th minute since I left, I felt such a sharp pang, that it made me feel ill. It  just doesn’t seem possible that it has been a full year. I miss it even more today than I did a year ago.

Most people are thrilled to get a new job especially one that advances their career. And I was too…kinda. I mean the corporate part of the company I had been working for was hell and there was no opportunity for growth. But the people I worked with, and the place I worked….. God, I loved the people I worked with. We were so much more than co-workers. We really became a family. And the store where I worked was my home away from home. I spent more time there then in my own house. And I truly loved getting up every day and going there. Talk to anyone that was part of our group and you’ll see. What we had was truly special.

“in truths that she learned, or in times that she cried, in bridges she burned, or the way that she died?”

family

Even though it started with such promise, 2008 was not what you would call “a good year” for me. I thought of all the ways I could measure it, with so much of the year just….forgotten…it seemed like the only things I could measure were:  The sadness. The tears. The pain. The loneliness. The fear. The loss. Or I could tell you about the three sections that the year seems to be broken down into: Before going home to New York, being in New York and returning to Florida.

And I was going to. My original plan was to break this all down into those three sections and talk about all I lost this year: my mother–my best friend, my love, close friends, my family. (I know, it doesn’t sound uplifting at all but I swear it would have at least ended with hope.) I was going to measure my life by how much I have had to grow this year despite the horrible ache inside and the desire to be a toys ‘r us kid forever.

But then I listened to a song. Over and over until the meaning was really drilled in. And instead….

How about love?

Every day I am reminded of the the overwhelming losses of 2008, but today, today I’m going to see the overwhelming love I found and gave in 2008.

st1381

Measuring a year of my life in love

The  overwhelming love and support from so many friends and family when I needed it the most.

I reconnected with so many old friends including my best friends from elementary and high school.

I revived a friendship with my first love, whom my mother adored…simply because he adored me.

I celebrated with great pride and joy as my best friend –and quite a few other friends—graduated from medical school.

I finally started standing up for myself.

I failed and was okay with it.

me

I went to Las Vegas, lost every penny, and loved every minute of it.

I took the new generation to Cape Cod and carried on the tradition.

I went to Disney World and got to meet the Disney Princesses!

I’ve gotten hundreds of cuddles and kisses from my cat, some not even against her will.

I asked my mother every question I could think of…and more.

I gave my father and godmother the best gifts I could think of.

And in turn they gave me the best gifts: they believe in me. Even when others don’t.

I sat down with the great love of my life and told him everything. And while it didn’t magically make everything better, he knows I love him and that’s enough.

sing_dance_love-2598

I laughed every day…because I believe “the most useless day is one in which we have not laughed”

I danced like no one was watching…at Brenda’s, and with my “new shoe dance” that my mother loved.

I sang like no one was listening…loudly….all the time (sorry neighbors)

I loved like I’ had never been hurt (does this count if you were loving the one that did the hurting?)

believe

I lived. I laughed. I loved.

And always:

I dream. I hope. I imagine.

I believe.

I remember every single day that my mother loved me more than anything in the world…

And I now have her as a guardian angel watching over me every day and will always be proud of me, so long as what I am doing makes me happy.

And I am loved.

Goodbye 2008. Hello 2009. Hello me.

sandys-hope-detail-22


About the author: Jennifer Taglione is the owner of this fabulous website Stiletto Sports. Despite writing well over 500 posts, she still maintains that she is not a sports writer! She is however a huge fan of Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Mark Sanchez, the Celtics, and totally kicks butt on March Madness brackets! Connect with her by following her on Twitter @StilettoSportsJ and subscribing to her weekly newsletter. For more info check out the About the Editor page!

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1 Response

  1. Travis Duncan Said,

    Thanks for sharing your year, a lot in that makes me think, about life and how we communicate everyday and express what is important to us.

    Travis

    Posted on March 2nd, 2009 at 2:41 am



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